Following on from last week, we’re going to look at how you should speak when you are being assertive. After all, you do not want people to think you are trying to bully them into agreeing with you. Likewise, you do not want to lose out on what is rightfully yours because you cannot assert yourself. So, how do you talk assertively?
Show Empathy
It is important when you want others to respect your rights, that you respect theirs too! So, it’s good to have empathy with their situation. Use phrases like ‘I understand how you feel’ or ‘I agree with what you are saying.’ This shows that you recognise and understand how the other person feels. You then have to assert yourself and ask for what you need. So, you could say something like this: ‘I understand how you feel about Mark, but I need that report finished by Friday so I have enough time to complete the analysis.’
‘I’
Using ‘I’ statements is a great way to assert yourself and let people know very clearly what you think and feel: ‘I want’, ‘I feel’, ‘I’d like’, ‘I need’ and so on.
Don’t be Pressured
If someone springs an unexpected request on you, don’t feel pressured to respond immediately. If you need it, ask for more time to think about the request – this is completely acceptable. You could say something like: ‘I’d not thought about that option. Let me have a think about it and come back to you in an hour.’
Repetition
This technique could be likened to a broken record – you repeat the same response until the other person understands that you mean what you say. This could be useful for work situations where you are being asked to take on more work than you can comfortably cope with. This is how it works, you are John and your boss is Paul:
Paul: ‘Hi, could you do this report for me for Friday?’
John: ‘Sorry, Paul, but I do not have time to take on any more projects.’
Paul: ‘I know you are busy, but I really need this by Friday.’
John: ‘I’m sorry, but I am too busy and cannot take on anymore projects right now.’
Paul: ‘Can you not do it as a personal favour to me – I know how good you are at reports and this really needs to be done by Friday?’
John: ‘Thanks for the compliment, but I cannot take on anymore projects at the moment.’
Keep firm until the other person understands that you mean it.
Scripting
If you are a little apprehensive of being assertive, it helps to script what you want to say before an important meeting. I realise that you cannot know what another person’s reaction might be, but you can predict what you think might happen. So, you need to think about these four areas and write a script something like this:
The Event – this is your opportunity to tell the other person exactly how you see the situation. For example: ‘Tony, I see that our waste is up by 20% this week. I was not expecting this and you gave me no indication that this was the case, so I was very surprised to hear this at the monthly meeting, as you didn’t give me any indication in our weekly update.’
Your Feelings – next you can explain how this event made you feel: ‘This was frustrating, as had you informed me, we could have discussed the issue and come up with solutions to improve the situation. It makes me question your understanding on the seriousness of this situation.’
Your Needs – this is where you explain what you need Tony to do to stop this situation occurring again: ‘Tony, if it seems like this situation may occur again, please let me know in advance so we can resolve the issue and reduce waste.’
The Consequences – finish on a positive note by explaining how things will improve if your needs are met: ‘If you trust me we can work together to make sure this situation does’t occur again. If you don’t let me know, I can’t help you.’
Being assertive is not that hard, is it? Try out these strategies and see how they work for you. If you have any others you use do let me know so I can pass them on.
Remember, we are now closed until the 2nd January. Have a great Christmas and New Year!
